Partnership Marriage

In the past few weeks, I have spent some time considering, studying, reading, praying about, and reconsidering what we traditionally teach and view as the Christian marriage. There are hundreds, maybe thousands of books dealing with marriage. I have read a few. There are countless marriage conferences, retreats, seminars, every year. In the face of all of this, the divorce rate in the church is the same as the rest of our society.

The foundation of much of our marriage teaching and counseling is based on the foundation of love and respect; that wives are to respect and submit to their husbands, and that husbands are to love their wives with a sacrificial love. That sounds good, but why isn’t it working?

I have come to question this very foundation. What I am asking is this: Doesn’t everyone want to be loved? Doesn’t everyone want to be respected?

Really, does any husband want a wife that does everything he says, but doesn’t love him?

Does any wife want a husband that truly loves her and is willing to sacrifice his life for her, but doesn’t listen to her and doesn’t value her opinion?

I don’t think that is the case. I believe that we all want to be in a marriage relationship where we are loved, cherished, cared for, respected, valued, and nurtured.

The basis of much of our view of marriage is from Ephesians 5:22-33

22  Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

25  Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.   28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31  "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."

I am not arguing with this passage at all. I am just questioning our application of it.

First, I think we should start with verse 21.

” submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. “

The foundation of this passage on marriage starts with the command that we are all to submit to each other, then marriage is built on that foundation.

In that context, of every member submitting to every other member, then Paul, directs the wives to submit to their husbands.

Eph 5:23-24 23 For the husband is the head wife,  as  even  Christ  is the head  of the church: and he is the  saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject  to Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing.

So, no doubt that God’s design is for wives to submit to their husbands. That submitting is in a relationship like the relationship we have with Christ, a sweet relationship of love and acceptance.

Now, Paul addresses the husband.

Eph 5:25

25   Husbands, love wives, even as also  Christ loved the church, and himself gave for it; 

The word used for love in this passage is agapao

"Agape and agapao are used in the NT (a) to describe the attitude of God toward His Son, John 17:26; the human race, generally, John 3:16; Rom 5:8, and to such as believe on the Lord Jesus Christ particularly John 14:21; (b) to convey His wiil to His children concerning their attitude one toward another, John 13:34, and toward all men, 1 Thess 3:12; 1 Cor 16:14; 2 Peter 1:7; (c) to express the essential nature of God, 1 John 4:8.

(from Vine's Expository Dictionary of Biblical Words, Copyright © 1985, Thomas Nelson Publishers.)

In verses 26 and 27 Paul describes how Christ treats the church; washing her, setting her apart, cleansing her with the word,

Then, in verse 28, he continues the word to husbands.

Eph 5:28 So ought men to love wives as their own bodies. He that loves his wife loves himself.

 After Paul describes what that love looks like, he adds,

Eph 5:30 For we are members of one body,

Paul comes back to where he started in verse 21, reminding us that, even in marriage, we are still members of the body of Christ, and treat each other as such.

Eph 5:31

31  "Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh."  

Paul then reminds us that God established marriage at the beginning of creation, as the joining of two people as one.  It seems that marriage as God intended is two people who commit to each other and submit to each other in such a way that they become just like one person. This is not a relationship of domination and submission, but of partnership, mutuality, intimacy, love, and respect.