Motherhood

Is there anything better, and harder than being a mother? Not really.
My youngest child had her first baby last week. Even before her birth, I spent a lot of time in the last few weeks thinking about my years as a mother. I was not a great mother. Not the mother I wish I had been.
There are a few reasons for that...maybe just excuses... I was young, not quite 20 when we had our first baby, and just 21 when we had our second. I did not know what I was doing, and didn't have any real help. We just figured out the parenting thing the best we could, which was not always good.
Then, we became a part of a church which was very legalistic, with very high standards of behavior, expectations that were impossible to meet. We had church meetings 5 more more times a week. There was considerable pressure to give as much of your time and money as possible to the church. Having a healthy marriage and family life were very low priorities. The answer to any relationship question was that basically human relationships were not really important. There is a lot more to that story, but you can see that we were very stressed parents who, although we loved our children tremendously, we did not have the tools to be really great parents.  We were in that church for 10 years, until our daughters were 13, 12, 6, and a newborn.
For some reason, those years have been on my mind a lot lately, which brought up a lot of feelings of regret, quilt, and shame...not healthy feelings.
This week, I have been in Katy's home, helping her with her new daughter. The time has been so sweet, a healing, peaceful time.
The thing about the past is, well, that it is the past. It is over. I cannot change the past. I know all the facts, that Jesus died for all my sins, that I am forgiven, that He takes away the shame. Still, it is so easy to allow negative thoughts to take control.
The past few days, I have intentionally reminded myself of all the good times. Because there were many, many good times. I loved my children, I enjoyed them most of the time. I loved to read to them, play with them, sing to them, pull them in their little red wagon. As they got older, I loved talking with them, listening to them, visiting about the things that were going on in their lives. I grew and changed.
Today, I was considering Josephs brothers, thinking of how they must have felt when Joseph told them that the terrible thing they had done to him, that they meant for evil, God used for good, to actually save all of their lives, and the lives of many other people. I wonder how much shame and regret those brothers had felt all the many years. 
Josephs words must have brought great freedom to them.
Today, I can watch Katy with her baby and rejoice that my daughters are much better mothers than I was. I can see that each of my four daughters is remarkable, with character and depth that is rare. They love God, and they love other people. They serve and care for others with compassion and empathy. I can also rejoice that today I have a really great relationship with each of my daughters.
I am so grateful that God is full of mercy and compassion, and He truly forgives and restores. My life today is so full and rich and sweet. I am very grateful.