More thoughts from the Cottonwood retreat last weekend, from the teaching of Cheri Cochran.
James 4:8 Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you.
We understand that God is good and going to Him is good, but we often hold back. Why? Maybe because of shame.
What is shame?
Shame is the painful feeling that rises from the consciousness of something dishonorable that I have done, or that was done to me.
Shame is lingering sorrow.
Shame tells us we are not good enough. It tells me I need to be fixed before I can be accepted.
Shame attacks our person. We know when we have done something wrong. We should hear the voice of God, or the voice of our conscience that says, “You were angry and you lost your temper. That behavior was wrong.” Or “The words your just spoke were not true. You just lied. The lie was wrong behavior.”
The voice of shame says, “You are a bad mother, a bad person. You are a failure.” Shame says, “You are a liar, a bad person a failure.”
Do you see the difference? God convicts of the behavior. Shame attacks the person.
Shame tells me, “I am flawed” “I am no good”.
The voice of shame is a false alarm. Like the smoke detector in our house that goes off when the toast gets too brown. The alarm says there is a fire, an emergency, and I need to take action. There really is no emergency. It is a false alarm. That is the way shame works. We feel shame and think we need to do something. We think there is a problem we need to take care of.
Shame looks at your behavior and accuses your person; judges your value based on what you do. Shame is an important tool used by our enemy to hold us down.
John 10: The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.
Satan’s main weapon is deception. Jesus called him the “father of lies”. He comes to us and causes us to question the truth. That is where the cycle begins.
When a person does not receive the love and acceptance she needs, she concludes she is lacking something. Satan twists the messages. If a child is not loved and nurtured, the child will believe it is because she is unlovable, that there is something wrong with her. That is the message that Satan sends, and the message that shame perpetuates.
Shame is felt when a person does not receive love, or when love or attention is withheld or given based on performance. Shame is often the result of bullying or being teased during childhood. Shame may be the result of poor choices or sinful acts. Sometimes, it results
when a person is abandoned or abused.
There are many ways that we try to stop the shame, coping skills that we use.
There are many ways that we try to stop the shame, coping skills that we use.
These are signs that you may deal with shame.
Perfectionism. “I have to achieve, be perfect so I can’t be shamed
Super volunteerism. No boundaries, volunteer for everything so no one will complain.
Comparison, competition. Always trying to be better than someone, do better, looking at other people.
Extreme defensiveness.
Hyper sensitive; easily hurt, upset…have arguments, plan what you would say, all in your mind.
Labeling yourself. “ I’m the life of the party", or "I'm a nerd". Then you behave according to the label.
Achieve in one area. Work hard to excel in one area so that you can always hold on to that achievement. Let that one area cover shame in any other area.
Victim mentality. Shame tells you you are defective, so you shift blame to anyone, tell yourself nothing is your fault.
Over value others. Our shame causes us to think too highly of other people.
Self deprecating. Never accept a compliment. “Oh, I could have done better.” “I’m sure someone else would have done it better.” “It really isn’t that great.”
Having self worth contingent on someone else’s opinion.
How do you fight shame?
1. Begin to think about what you think about. When you see signs of distress such as fear, anger, anxiety, ask yourself, “Where did that come from?”
2 Cor 10:5 We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ,
When you follow the signs, and find the thought that is behind, remind yourself, “Hold on, what am I thinking?” It is my responsibility to stop the condemning, shaming thoughts.
2. Invite the light of the truth. “Holy Spirit, teach me, lead me to the light and truth.”
Ask God to show you what the truth is about yourself, and about the situation.
3. Repent and receive.
Repent means to change your mind. It doesn’t mean you have been bad. If you have believed a lie, you repent to God, “I am sorry I agreed with the enemies lie.”
Reject the lie.
God extends mercy, grace, and truth. We have to receive it.
1 comment:
This is a good summation of what the speaker spoke of at the retreat. Never realized the impact shame has on our lives. It was much needed.
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